New Years Resolution

A word of warning...this is going to be a lengthy, introspective, journal-type of post. If your not interested, so be it.

So here I am. I'm twenty five years old. It is New Years Eve. Tonight has not gone so well. I've been in rare form (well, I like to think it is rare). I have said some hurtful things that I don't really mean out of being stressed over nothing important. So I'm spending the evening alone, with the kids. This never happens. We really don't fight all that much. I really hate it. What a way to start the year, feeling like you are the most horrible person.

When Joel cooled off he came back and started to comfort me. In a way it would be so much easier if he was a jerk too, so there would be some sort of truth to what I said. But oh no, nothing like taking the higher road to make me feel even worse. It humbles me and makes me want to be better.

For the past few years my sister Brittany and I have set goals together (not always the same goals) and have kept each other accountable for them. We talk every Monday, and seeing that this is going to be the first one of the month it is going to be THE talk. I've been trying to think of what goals to set, things I need to work on this year. There are way too many things to work on, yet I can't think of anything.

Last years resolution: Really study the scriptures and have sincere prayer daily. How'd I do?

Well, the first half of the year was awesome. We were in Montana, and it was just Jack and me during the day. Nap time I would study, and I had the most amazing experiences. I feel that my understanding was stretched. I was reading the Bible, really studying it, something that I have never done before. Yes, I did go to Seminary, but that was different. This was 100% me.

Second half of the year: we came back home. Sage was born. I got out of the habit. Then it was really hard to find time to study. So it stopped.

Joel and I had family council and my frustration of not having any time to study came up. What he said made sense. He said that my expectations are too high. It isn't doable to have an hour of quiet time a day just for me. The kids don't nap at the same time. I have a lot of house work and other projects that I need to do that I'm constantly behind on. Where I am at right now in life is not conducive to that. But I can find 5 - 10 mins a day. Since it takes that long to really get into the mindset of reading the Bible, I should just concentrate on the Book of Mormon. I really want to finish the goal of reading and studying out the Bible all the way through. Joel said that he would support me and agreed to watch the kids for 1 hr every week or so to help me accomplish that goal. I feel his counsel is wise. That would at least get me back to daily personal study and studying the Book of Mormon surely isn't a bad thing ;)

In terms of prayer, I pray a lot. I feel that I continually have a prayer in my heart for things that I need and things that I'm grateful prayer. I say many many many prayers a day. But I need to kneel to say them.

So yeah. I guess my goals are the same as last year. Daily study (5 - 10 mins of reading the BofM) and meaningful prayer (KNEEL to pray at night, instead of just curling up in bed and saying a prayer where my mind wanders or I fall asleep). I am also going to make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed every night. I need to stop being a baby about it and just get to work, making my husband happier. Oh, And I would like to lose 10 lbs.

Best of luck for 2009!